Wanted: Drill Sergeant or Equally Bossy Person to Kickstart Sewing Mojo

My sewing blog has been missing one important thing lately: finished object posts. The reason? I haven't been sewing at all. So, in order to remedy this problem I need the services of a drill sergeant, or at least someone who can yell like one.You duties will include the following:

• Holding me accountable for new sewing purchases when I have yet to sew what I already have,
• Forcing me to search for pins and needles I drop in the floor instead of leaving them for the vacuum, or someone's foot. ( Me feet seem to have immunity, but the very first step someone else takes near my sewing machine, their feet seem to find the pins.)
• Reminding me that fabric and thread do not bind themselves together without my help. You will need to repeat this every 10 to 15 minutes or as needed to get me motivated. 
• Provide consistent reminders that reading about what others have sewn does not, and never will be, a substitute for actually sewing, and will yield no tangible results.
• You will also be responsible for flipping over the records I listen to while sewing, unless you'd like to hear Elton John's Tiny Dancer four times in a row. Please be aware the record player has a slight ailment and will only work at full blast. Please bring ear plugs or a tool kit to fix the speakers.
• Since I hate taking self portraits,you will also need to photograph my finished creations. Consider these pictures proof of how well you do your job.

Compensation:

• Joy in your heart knowing you're helping get a seamstress back on track.
• All the empty thread spools you can carry home. ( I think you can blow bubbles with these.)
• All the vintage patterns you'd like to borrow, and I might even let you keep one per week.
• One weekly trip to Joann. ( You will be responsible for your own spending money.)
• All the homemade baked goodies you can eat. 

Please send me your resume and cover letter to be considered for this position. Recordings of your ability to bark out sewing orders will be accepted as substitutes for resumes. Good luck to all applicants!